i dont even want to come up with a title because words cant describe what I feel...

I was diagnosed with PCOS about 3 weeks ago and I was actually somewhat relieved because I had discovered the reason behind my back acne, abnormal hair growth, paralyzing cramps, irregular periods and, the worst in my opinion, weight gain (30lbs in 5 months) So far, I have just been put on Yaz, and nothing has changed at all. I have been trying to lose weight for the last 5 months, eating a high protein, low carb, 1200 calorie-a-day diet and exercising everyday, but I have not lost a SINGLE POUND! In addition to all of my physical problems, I have developed emotional ones too. I have become increasingly depressed and I just get this odd sensation about 10-15 times a day that nothing will ever change and I will be stuck in this unfortunate fat, acne-ridden, joke of a body for the rest of my life. My parents are getting fed up with all my crying (about 5 times a day) and they dont understand how hard this is for me. I was somewhat of a heavy child in elementary school but in middle school and the first two years of high school, I was an acne-free, 110 pound beauty who was always complimented. Over the last 8 months or so, all of that has changed. I have gained 30 pounds (all of which went to my rear-end and thighs) and my face as become more and more acne-cursed. I am losing interest in most of the things I used to love, like taking pride in my school work and spending time with friends, and now I just want to lay around all day and cry. The good thing is that when I'm upset, I eat less. The bad thing is that my body seems to store every single calorie I take in, so even 1200 calories a day may cause me to gain if I dont get my usual 45-60 minute daily exercise. I just want to know that there is someone out there who understands where I'm at and can help me figure out whats wrong with me! I was tested for hypothyroidism and insulin resistance, but both times the tests came back normal and made me even more depressed and hopeless. I just want to know what I need to be doing so I can lose some weight! I'm only 5'3.5" tall and 17 years old, I don't want to be a hermit for the rest of my life! I'm so embarrassed about the way I look that going to school and church is a major emotional struggle. I can't take this anymore! I just want to be a normal teenager again and I want to feel attractive and know that it is possible for someone to love me!

On My Mind...At This Very Second

I'm writing a book for my pre calculus class. We are supposed to research a mathematician and then write a children's book about them. Our teacher is going to get them professionally bound and then we are going to donate them to an elementary school. Anyway, we have to include illustrations in them and I was looking for a picture of a baby(because that's how the book starts out- her birth) and I came upon this really disturbing picture:

It is really sad for me to see this, because the bone frame and the tiny hands, ribs, feet, legs, arms, UGH!!! It is heartbreaking to think of the life that was sucked away by a selfish "mother". It makes me wonder how the world has slipped so far away from God. Babies used to be seen as miracles and many mothers, especially in the colonial times, would have about 14 of them. How have they become such...burdens?
It terrorizes me to think about the fact that that baby could have been me... Thankfully, my birth mother was a christian and didn't even CONSIDER abortion. But stopping and thinking of the potential that baby could have had... he/she could have been the next Albert Einstein, or the finder of a cure for cancer, or someone who is able to bring peace in the middle east. We will never know now because that baby's chance has been stripped away.
It upsets me that my own generation is cursed with a bad name. We are seen as out of control, hormonic, teenagers who are obsessed with sex. Unfortunately, this title is not far off. Many of the conversations I hear in the hallway have to do with this topic and girls are always talking about who "did it" with whom and who they are "doing it" with now... I want to find a way to get the message to my peers that this sort of stuff is just plain WRONG. I am absolutely, 100000000% set on waiting until I'm married. I honestly believe that if people didn't focus so much on pleasing others before being fair to themselves, this would not be a problem. As a girl, I know what it feels like to want to be accepted by a boy. And I know that girls will go to great lengths, once they have one, to not let him get away. Most guys are physical... put two and two together...its not hard.
Guys may argue that they don't have the ability to control themselves. They can, but part of it is our fault. Lots of girls dress to impress, but don't realize the impact it has on the male species. JP has even said that guys would go crazy even if we wore burlap sacks with just our ankles showing. It's not their fault, that's how God made them, but we girls need to do our part to keep everyone pure.
So...on that note...I want to start movement against it...some kind of slogan or something...maybe make bracelets...posters... something to get the message out that life doesn't have to be this way. But I don't know how or where to start or if I can even do it... suggestions are appreciated!

God Bless,
Jessica

Discovery

Ok, so today is the MOST BEAUTIFUL day I have seen in AGES!! *sigh* It makes me crave summer all over again! Mom, Lukas, and I played tennis for a couple of hours and I was reminded of how much I LOVE tennis! Dad came and joined us and we played doubles: Mom and I versus Dad and Lukas... the boys won...barely (2-3) We had to quit because Lukas and Dad were beginning to show their incredibly annoying goofy side (how do guys EVER get things done??? They just can't seem to stay focused, unless thats just a genetic defect in my family...) Anyway, then I spent the next couple of hours making heart-shaped cookies for tonight's Valentine's Day Party with our Against the Grain kiddies. I LOVE these kids! They have so much energy and passion for everything despite all of the "stuff" they lack. It just goes to show that true happiness doesn't come from material things... it comes from God's love. Even though they probably aren't conscious of that sort of grace, it is obvious that they feel it! I just hope that when they are older, they can start coming to youth group/church on their own!

Last night, my brother, Josh, had a basketball game. It was a tournament that was played on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. His team, the Independence Eagles (the freshman team) made it all the way to the finals and WON against Father Ryan by about 21 points! Little Joshy got the tournament MVP and his coach is thinking of moving him up to JV and possibly even some Varsity! I'm SOOO incredibly proud of him, but I'm also a little jealous... I need to keep my feelings in-check...but I'm more proud than jealous <3 Anyway, there was a volleybal tournament going on in the same gyms that we were in. Mom calle me to warn me, but I said I would be fine. BOY WAS I WRONG! When I saw my old team mates and the players doing hitting-lines and warm-ups and I lost it! I had a rush of memories of all the tournaments and the practices I had been through. I felt the most INTENSE desire to feel the adrenaline rush of going up for a hit or making a great dig or save. I could FEEL it in my veins, and then, since I couldn't express it physically, I started to cry (much to my dismay and embarrassment, because there were a lot of people in the gym). My reaction shocked my parents, and they have agreed to let me try to go for a season or two more of volleyball, since it is probably the last time I will be able to play (I'm not that tall...incase you didn't know). I'm hoping that I will atleast be able to go on and coach a travel team or rec team someday soon!

I'm beginning to get a touch of senioritis already (although, I'm kind of like a senior since I'm graduating early and all). It's kind of annoying because I keep procrastinating my homework and push it all to one night... the night before...and then I get a bit stressed. At least I get it done though... I just hope I can clean up my act before final exams because I won't be able to get senior exemptions or anything like that)

I recently discovered the joy of the hulu.com website for free online videos/tv shows and it is UH-MAZING!! I stayed up till about 3 in the morning watching episodes of the Fringe (great show by the way!) and they also have movies and stuff, but it doesn't have ANY viruses or anything! (which makes me happy, because most free online movie sites carry viruses and spyware) So if you miss an episode of your favorite show, chances are hulu has it! :-)

Valentine's Day (aka Single Awareness Day -S.A.D.) is coming up, but surprisingly, I'm not feeling sad... I think I'm beginning to accept my relationship status as it is because that is where God wants it to be right now. And to be honest, I have to agree with God (ironic...no? I mean...I AM a teenager and we're supposed to disagree with any authority figure :-P ) I don't think I'm in a very good emotional/spiritual position to be able to handle a boyfriend. I already struggle with self-confidence issues, and feeling like I have to live up to my boyfriend's expectations would just be another damper on my already odd life. Also, I'm trying to focus more on God right now because I'm going through some REALLY tough times right now, and He is the only one that can help me through it. I'm just glad that God is finally giving me the insight he has been longing to give me all along! When God knows I'm ready, love will find me <3

Yes...It has been too long!

I realize that I have not written in my blog from quite some time, and I sincerely apologize for that! (This one's for you Melanie!) Life has gotten very busy and very frustrating for me in the last few months. I have been gradually gaining weight, and I thought it was my fault for eating wrong, but ever since I've focused on losing weight, nothing has happened. So on Monday, my mother and I are going to the doctor to see if I might have hypothyroidism. (That's a disease where they thyroid doesn't produce enough T4 and T3 hormones and it makes your thyroid really, REALLY slow, causes you to be tired a lot, and makes you crave carbs, among other annoying symptoms) Thankfully, this has a treatment, but after reading some reviews on this treatment, which is a pill, I am only feeling worse about the possibility of my having hypothyroidism. Most people who have reported taking this medication have complained about being hungry more often and just gaining more weight. I have always had problems with body image, even when I was a comfortable 110 pounds, so the thought of gaining more weight is DEVASTATING!! Basically I feel trapped in a corner with no way out, and I am leaning heavily on those people closest to me. While I sincerely appreciate their comfort, I don't want to be too dependent. I'm constantly seeking God and questioning his intentions for my situation. I honestly trust that he has something to teach me, but I only feel myself being dragged even deeper into self-pity. I don't want to be a spoiled, selfish person, so there is a major spiritual and emotional battle going on in me right now, and I need as many prayers as I can get.
Ok , on a more positive note, I have recently been looking into possibly graduating early from high school and taking a year off to possibly get a job, do some overseas mission work, and maybe shadow my grandfather (he is a nurse anesthetist, which is what I want to do!) I had to fill out some applications and just found out this past Thursday that my request has been granted and I am "all systems go". I have a lot to do before graduation, like getting senior pictures, sending out invites, and applying for any college that will have me so I can at least have a college acceptance before I take my year off. I'm hoping this all works out ok!
Also, my favorite hockey team, the Centennial Cougars, beat a really hard team last night in the second round of the playoffs. They beat Father Ryan 6-5 in a REALLY close game! They are really good and I'm hoping they go all the way to the finals! I'm sooooooo excited!!!
Ummm...I'm hoping that this time I can actually keep up with my blog and post stuff every other day, if not weekly :-) Hopefully next time I write I can have some information about my possible condition! God Bless You!!

~Psalm 46~